The Open Road

Truly, I don't know where to start this post.

I suppose every journey has moments like these, the meeting at the crossroads.

When you think about it, the open road must inevitably encounter one.

I just didn't think my moment would happen so quickly.

More plainly, as I write this, deep down, I don't particularly feel like pushing on.

A heavy burden weighs on my heart, and is becoming very difficult to ignore…let alone more objectively interpret.

So what gives?

I've been asking myself that question since I arrived in Quartzite.

And to tell you the truth, I feel I've reached a personal low.

My enthusiasm, my drive, and also my platform are beginning to falter.

Let's unpack those individually.

My enthusiasm:

My enthusiasm decreases from many reasons.

Van life, or life in a vehicle for many people, is not the rosy endeavor that a great many social media influencers make it out to be.

The reality is quite difficult.

In that, all the basic tasks of life become (at least for me) somewhat a struggle in and of themselves.

Depending on where I am at any given time, that struggle can be very pronounced or it can be relatively manageable.

I just never know.

To say the least, that's been an adjustment. Whether it's a quirk of my personality or not, that type of insecurity I find very difficult to cope with.

Which is also kind of funny, in an ironic sort of way.

It's not as though I've never experienced these things before, there's just something about how insecurity is a part of van life that I find uniquely triggering.

There's also something vaguely depressing about the experience in that regard.

That were I forced into this situation by circumstance, I'm not sure how long I could hack it.

You definitely have to be made of tough stock!

Even for me, as someone who's used to roughing it, this is a lot.

And it's very interesting to notice.

Which brings me to my drive:

Struggle can teach us a lot, and it can be very valuable to struggle.

But, that type of struggle feels a very particular way to me…and I genuinely can't say that's what I'm experiencing.

Md as dramatic as this might sound, I'm not finding the inspiration I need to keep moving forward in this particular struggle.

To that effect, I think this is a critical moment.

What do I do when I've lost sense of why I stepped out the door in the first place?

What am I moving towards, and is it a place I want to go?

The truth is, I don't really know.

Which in the normal cause of things is not such a big deal to me. Life just comes with vagaries, unanswerable questions, and mysteries.

I guess I'm just trying to say that part of me has a “knowing” about my trip.

I'd compare what I'm experiencing right now in some ways to being in love.

Nobody has to tell you, you just know.

Like the way I suspect my van life, in its current iteration, at this point in time, might just not be the way forward.

And, I can ease off the throttle a little bit.

Which might also be the smart man thing to do when I consider the next couple of points I want to unpack.

My platform:

Very quickly the reality of traveling around in a classic car became apparent.

My awesome little Toyota is always going to require a level of care and attention that newer, domestic vehicles in better condition most likely wouldn't.

In that, I can't help but feel like I've bet on the wrong horse.

Looking back, I feel like a bit of a silly billy.

I thought this little Japanese truck was the coolest thing since sliced bread when I first saw it.

On paper, it had all of these great features that seemed to make great practical sense.

Here again, the reality is different.

And not for the reasons you might think.

If I could do this all over again, I just would have purchased a vehicle without rust and corrosion.

I knew that it would be a challenge to overcome, but in my beginners naivety, decided to throw the dice and see how big of a challenge it would actually be to nurse my rusty little buddy back to health.

It turned out to be a really big challenge!

Rust is so freaking difficult and insidious to repair, I just can't stress that enough.

It also means for the most part that I'm on my own dealing with it.

Most mechanics won't touch it, as they too are well aware of what a challenge it can be to work with.

That's kind of demoralizing!

There's a part of me that enjoys the wrenching and restoration, but even I have my limits.

It was like what I was describing earlier about struggle that feels senseless.

That's also very much at play here.

Furthermore, it means I can't trust my vehicle.

And if I can't trust my platform, that's just will not do!

That's a level of stress I simply don't have much patience for, especially given the nature of what I'm doing.

My base MUST be solid.

I don't even mean to imply that the HIACE is a bad vehicle, I just misjudged the nature of its condition.

My criticism aside, it's done what I've asked it to do reasonably well, with relative ease and comfort.

However, the Toyota is also showing its age and condition.

Some repairs I made before the start of my trip are already beginning to fail, and the limits of the van's capabilities are becoming more apparent.

Some limitations are also with my build.

In order for this lifestyle to truly be sustainable, I need a much more robust electrical setup.

I couldn't conceivably work in this vehicle, and even struggle to source enough energy to keep my power bank charged. My only load!

Which is a big deal!

Without my power bank charged, I can't run my mini fridge, and therefore cannot keep food.

Eating out everyday is not financially sustainable.

Which leads me to my last realization.

My budget is limited, and free falling the way that I am is not a recipe for success in either the short or long term.

To truly be able to support myself living this way, I need to go back to the drawing board.

I have to have an income, plain and simple.

Which to me, is looking like the final nail in this coffin. I can't say I have a lot of interest in going broke on my trip.

So…

There you have it, that is the crossroads for me.

Against the backdrop of the picture I painted above, pushing on is beginning to make less and less sense…and is becoming less and less enjoyable with every day that passes.

And strangely, I don't feel defeated or particularly down.

In fact, a sense of peace washes over me when I consider turning around, heading for home, rethinking my approach, and moving towards greener pastures.

Pastures in which the gifts of community are more easily accessible, stable means of reintegrating myself into the workforce abound, and more security in my day-to-day living situation exist.

Like I said, my base must be solid.

So…what happens next?

Here again, I'm not entirely sure.

The most logical course of action would be to stay in Quartzsite for another few days, experience the first day of the RTR, and then just pack up my stuff and hit the road back to Washington.

There I will stay with my parents until I secure a new job, while simultaneously making some small repairs on my vans to prepare them for sale.

Once I've cashed out of both my Toyotas, I may then think about a new vehicle and configuration.

What I really want to try next is living in a vehicle closer to a place I wish to put down roots, that has a more robust setup.

For example, Portland Oregon or Bellingham Washington.

Where smaller, and more focused outings are easily arrangeable.

Not to mention the redundancy, infrastructure, and resources required to make repairs to my little home on wheels.

Furthermore, I've learned quite a bit about how to leverage public lands, and long-term visitor style accommodation.

It could be a quite economical way to go if I'm not going too far afield at any given time.

At any rate, it's an intriguing premise and there are many things I would do differently if given the opportunity to start over!

So there you have it, that's how I'm really doing.

I suspect I won't be making it to Baja after all, but that's no big deal.

Baja isn't going anywhere, and can remain a dream for now.

And besides, it's not really about the destination after all.

If you read all this way, I commend you.

Thanks for coming with me, and catch you all soon.